I’ve managed to survive about three months being unemployed. My bank account is shrinking, but I’m no stranger to living with small things. Recently at the gym I found three dimes on the ground. I scooped them up and put them in my pocket, grateful for the 10% increase in my net worth.
The other day while I was out not being employed, I ran into an acquaintance that inquired what I was doing these days. After giving the usual answer (usually involving the words “tough economy” and “rigorous job searching”), she made the comment that I need to find a job soon, because no one wants to date a bum.
Yeah, you’re totally right. Let me just go ahead and land myself a job immediately since that’s been in my control since Day 1. Silly me.
I’ve decided to put together an FAQ about my unemployed lifestyle:
How do you pay the bills if you don’t have a job?
My savings account.
How do you have so much saved up?
I put money into savings when I was working, bitch.
What do you do all day if you don’t work? Don’t you get bored? I’d be so bored if I didn’t work!
In all seriousness, not working certainly has its merits. I don’t have to get up early to go work for someone else. I don’t have to agonize through long, pointless meetings. I don’t have to spend the majority of my time wishing I could slam my head through a concrete wall. I get to do whatever the fuck I want at any time of the day. I work out, play Xbox, and ride my goddamn bicycle like it’s my job. Because it might as well be!
Now let’s get to the point of this post. It’s no secret that the economy is shittier than a redhead’s childhood life, but I don’t think it would hurt to reiterate just how desperate things have become for your average college graduate. If you graduated college in the past five years, chances are you’re working a job that isn’t in your field, part-time, and are full of regret for wasting money on a degree that isn’t worth its weight in monkey poop. You’re probably angry at the fact that you went to college for four years (or longer) just to slave away at a job that doesn’t even provide you benefits. Well you know what, you SHOULD be angry! Here’s the fucked up Catch-22 about trying to land a job right after college: You have a degree with no experience, but you can’t get experience because no one is fucking willing to hire you. The way to bypass this situation in the past was to gain experience through internships while you were in college. That way, you could have at least a year of experience under your belt to go with your college degree. Yay! Everybody wins, right? FUCK NO. EVERYBODY FUCKING LOSES, BITCH! YOU SUCK ASS!
Log onto any fucking job search engine. I don’t care which one you fucking pick because it doesn’t matter. Look up any entry-level position in any field of your choice. Now take a look at the job requirements. How much experience do they want? 1 year? 2 years? HAHAHA! Try 3-5 years. Three to fucking five years of work experience is what they expect you to have OUT OF COLLEGE. Now that makes a shit ton of sense doesn’t it? These hiring committees gather around a table and they decide to themselves, “I think our ideal candidate will have more years of job experience than they spent in college.” Luckily, your fearless and wise Touretting career guru has some words of wisdom to deal with this problem.
Jump off a tall building. Seriously. What else is there to do? Pick up a dozen part-time jobs to make ends meet? Go back to school and get a different degree? Work an internship for free to gain the necessary experience? How about this? Suck my cock, economy.
You might think I’m just bitter and angry and that I’m just making baseless arguments. That’s fine. But I’ve learned enough about how the hiring process works from my experience working at a University Career Center that I feel confident in my words. Let me give you the whole hard truth on another part of the hiring process I like to call Dog Shit, also referred to as “search committees.” Click here to learn the truth about search committees.
In conclusion, fuck the economy.